


Perhaps he could escape from Kaworu,

by NGC1705



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Episode 24 compliant, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NGC1705/pseuds/NGC1705
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The scent of his blood is gone, but he can still feel it in his hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perhaps he could escape from Kaworu,

The kitchen faucet has a leak. Water trickles from it, hitting the metal of the sink with a dull pound.

Continuously.  
Like a heartbeat.  
It’s quiet, but deafening.

Each drop of water roars in his ears, tidal waves seizing him, suffocating him. He’s drowning. Endlessly, endlessly; he’s pushed and pulled and twisted and tossed in this sea of despair, and each drop of water reminds him that no matter how relentlessly he washes his hands, objects of destruction as they are, he can never wash away his sins.  
Each drop of water reminds him of Kaworu.

The soft rhythm of the ocean against the shore, Kaworu humming perfectly the tune to Beethoven’s ninth symphony, fourth movement.  
A wave crashes into the stone he sits upon.

The steam of the bath wafting in puffs against his face, Kaworu gazing at Shinji in a way that would surely cause his heart to shatter. Yet; somehow, he thinks that if it were because of _Kaworu_ , he wouldn’t mind too much.  
A drop of water falls from his bangs.

The warmth radiating from his scarlet eyes, the most gentle of smiles painted delicately on his pale lips, Kaworu murmuring in that sweet voice of his all of the words that bring both comfort and pain to Shinji. Yet; somehow, Shinji feels more content than anxious. He allows himself to believe, despite how much he tells himself that he shouldn’t. Perhaps he could escape into Kaworu, into his fragile arms and loving gaze. Just for a moment. Just for a moment…  
A heartbeat.

The same gaze. The same smile. The same heart-wrenchingly beautiful face looking up at Shinji as though he were the most precious thing in the world. Kaworu tells him to end his life. Shinji feels the contours of that delicate body in the palm of his hand. He feels Kaworu living. The subtle rise and fall of his chest, the heartbeat drumming against his ribcage, the heat of his skin. Kaworu tells him that only he can do it. Kaworu tells him that he must live. Shinji doesn’t understand. Kaworu begs him. Kaworu thanks him. Shinji can’t speak. Shinji can’t argue, can’t plead; his throat is tight and his limbs are shaking and his thoughts are flying around his mind so quickly that they dissolve and churn and meld, undifferentiable. His vision is blurred with tears and he waits for Kaworu to speak again, to tell him that none of this is true, that they can live together, that he doesn’t have to die. But Kaworu doesn’t speak. He only smiles at him. Gently. Sadly.  
Kaworu wants him to end his life. Despite how much Shinji tells himself that he can’t, he must; Kaworu wants him to. Kaworu’s never asked anything of him before.  
He feels Kaworu dying. The crunch of bones splitting in his chest, the grotesque squelch of his organs, the heat of his blood as it washes over his hand. The sound is loud. It startles Shinji, who barely realized that he pulled the trigger.

He catches a glimpse of Kaworu’s head as it falls. Kaworu only smiles at him.  
A splash. 

He still feels the heat of Kaworu’s blood as it trickles through the spaces between his fingers.  
A click. His cassette player rewinds.

He still sees the stains on EVA’s hand. His hand. Sometimes he looks at his hand to study the red. The colour of Kaworu’s eyes. He hears Beethoven’s ninth symphony, fourth movement. His cassette player hasn’t finished rewinding.

A drop. The kitchen faucet has a leak.

He still sees Kaworu’s gentle eyes. He still sees Kaworu’s soft smile. The blood at the edges of his lips, the ragged exhale of breath as his life is squeezed out of him-- they’re vivid in Shinji’s memory. He killed him. He killed Kaworu.

Kaworu.

Kaworu.

_Kaworu._

Shinji screams, ripping his headphones from his ears and he jolts up from his bed. The cassette player falls to the ground with a loud thunk, but Shinji ignores it, staggering to his door and shoving it open. Nearly tripping on the way there, he grasps at the kitchen counter, gripping the edges of the sink so tightly his knuckles turn white. He tries to turn on the faucet, but his hand slips several times until he finally manages to turn the knob and water rushes down into the sink with a ferocious roar. Shinji plunges his hands into the water, scrubbing frantically with a washrag, forgotten dishes being pushed aside with loud clanks and clangs. Gasping, choking—he feels as though his head, rather than hands, is being held under the water. It’s scalding. He barely minds the heat. It doesn’t compare to the heat of Kaworu’s blood on his hands— there’s blood on his hands; he’s cut himself with a knife that had hidden between plates. Water spills out of the sink, splashing onto the floor—the drain was still plugged—, but Shinji only hears the splash of LCL, of _blood_ , as Kaworu’s mangled body falls from his hold.

Shinji sobs. He pushes himself away from the sink, colliding with the table and falling to the floor. He curls up into a ball, tears streaming from his eyes as he holds his hands away from himself and wails like an infant. His clothes are getting soaked, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care anymore. He just wants Kaworu back. But that’s impossible. He killed Kaworu.

He killed Kaworu.

He loved Kaworu. But he never told him. He never told Kaworu how he felt about him, and now he never will. No matter how relentlessly he washes his hands— scrubs them, burns them, cuts them—, he’ll never wash away his memories of Kaworu. The scent of his blood is gone, but he still feels Kaworu there.

He hears Kaworu humming perfectly the tune to Beethoven’s ninth symphony, fourth movement.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [this draft for ep24](http://pastebin.com/nEbAwpYG) although it follows anime canon


End file.
